Today I’m at SEEKERVILLE, a supportive Writing Community that is celebrating their 5th birthday. They kindly invited me to join in the celebration, so I hope after you’re finished today’s post on tight prose you might drop in (and maybe WIN a copy of The Emotion Thesaurus!) I’m posting on Reader Empathy: Catch It & Keep It.
While I’m there, author and Freelance Editor Jodie Renner is bringing us a lesson in prose tightening! Jodie specializes in thrillers, romantic suspense, mysteries, and other crime fiction, as well as YA, mainstream and historical fiction. I know this can be a trouble area, especially during action scenes where there’s a lot of body movement and emotions being conveyed. So please read on to see the before and after as Jodie gets rid of words to distill meaning!
SMOOTH OUT THAT CLUNKY, CLUTTERED PHRASING
by Jodie Renner, freelance editor, @JodieRennerEd
One of my main jobs as a fiction editor is to teach novelists how to streamline their writing and take out all those little words cluttering up their prose, getting in the way of meaning, slowing down the pacing, and impeding reader enjoyment of the story.
For many writers, it takes practice to break old business or academic writing habits and learn to write in a more casual, to-the-point, compelling way for fiction. Many of my newbie novelist clients are highly educated professionals, so they especially have to unlearn overly correct, formal writing habits.
Here’s a short example of overly erudite writing, from a novel I edited years ago, with the name changed:
Before: Jason recommenced after the abrupt interruption, with a scowl in the direction of its origin.
After: Jason scowled at the interruption, then continued.
As the editor, I suggested the “after” rewording, then commented in the margin, about my suggestion: “Less wordy, more direct. No need to say “abrupt interruption,” as an interruption is by nature abrupt. And it’s a given that his scowl would be in the direction of the origin of the interruption.”
Here are more examples of taking out unnecessary words for better flow. I’ve adapted them from my editing, but changed the names and details to provide anonymity for the writers. Of course there are often several different ways to pare a sentence down, and these are just possible solutions.
Before: She looked quickly down the narrow street in the direction they had come.
After: She glanced back down the narrow street.
Before: “Excuse us for a moment,” Gordon said, through clenched teeth. When they were far enough from the group so they could speak without being heard, he whispered, “What the hell are you doing?
After: “Excuse us for a moment,” Gordon said, through clenched teeth. When they were out of earshot, he whispered, “What the hell are you doing?”
Before: Charles grabbed her arm and pulled her bodily to the edge of the street out of the path of the oncoming car.
After: Charles yanked her out of the path of the oncoming car.
Before: As soon as Chris started to rise, Nathan saw it as an indication he was going to follow, and started off back in the direction of the elevator, this time worrying less about his silence and more about haste.
After: As soon as Chris started to rise, Nathan turned and hurried toward the elevator.
Before: The car drove slowly through the large complex heading in the direction of a secluded building at the back of the facility. It was located on the shore of the river. The vehicle came to a stop next to the entrance to the building.
After: They drove slowly through the large complex toward a secluded building by the river and stopped next to the entrance.
Before: The General was red with fury, his face contorted and looking more like a grotesque mask than being part of a human face. He made no effort to respond.
After: The General was red with fury, his face contorted like a grotesque mask. He made no effort to respond.
Before: As Brad spoke, Katelyn raised up the small burlap shoulder bag she had been wearing since they left the apartment, shaking it to ensure that Gerry would see it—the documents and electronic storage devices that it contained jostling around in its disorganized interior.
After: As Brad spoke, Katelyn raised her shoulder bag in the air, shaking it so Gerry could see it, causing the documents and electronic storage devices to jostle around inside.
Before: Kevin looked quickly back at Tyler, who dropped his arm holding the gun and gave a purposeful glance first to his left and then his right. He looked back in their direction, stared fiercely for a moment, and began walking calmly, slowly, towards them.
After: Kevin looked back at Tyler, who lowered the gun and glanced both ways. He looked back at them, glared at them for a moment, then began walking slowly towards them.
You Be the Editor:It’s your turn. Here are five more unrelated cluttered sentences. Can you help us smooth them out?
1. “You must never touch anything in this room if I don’t tell you to or if I haven’t given permission,” he said.
2. Donna glanced up at the imposing house and examined the ornate façade of the residence.
3. Derek looked over at her as well, a questioning expression painted across his face.
4. Jack stared incredulously at the man. He felt bile rush into his throat as his unbridled hatred surged into his conscious mind.
5. “So you killed Daniel too,” Linda spat, her emotions instantly changing from fearfulness to more aggressiveness. If she had a weapon, she would kill the man right then and there.
Ha, I tell you after writing The Emotion Thesaurus, I am itching to get rid of those telling emotions and instead make the emotional showing more prominent, and I bet you guys are too! Can’t wait to see what you come up with!
You can find Jodie at her website or group blog, Crime Fiction Collective. Her ebooks, Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power are part of her An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction Series.
Angela is a writing coach, international speaker, and bestselling author who loves to travel, teach, empower writers, and pay-it-forward. She also is a founder of One Stop For Writers, a portal to powerful, innovative tools to help writers elevate their storytelling.
hi Angela,
Great, I like it..:)
Excellent, Debra! Concise and to the point! 🙂
“Don’t touch anything unless I say so.”
Linda’s blood boiled. She leaned close, hands clenched. “You killed Daniel too.”
Great piece of information for dummies!!
Indeed you have a collection of good informative articles!!
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Awesome suggestions, Adv. in YA!
Too bad that as an editor and not a ghostwriter, I can’t usually take a lot of liberties with someone’s writing style. But those are so good, I think if I’d thought of them at the time, I’d definitely suggest them! 🙂
Great post! 🙂
Here’s my take on #1:
She snatched my fingers away, her blue veined hands turning white with pressure. “Never touch anything in here without permission!”
And #5:
Linda’s pale fingers clenched around an invisible knife, and she leaned toward him. “So you killed Daniel too,” she spat.
This is a great exercise. I’m going to work on it on my own!
Thanks, Raquel and Traci.
My Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power book has three chapters with tips on streamlining your writing to increase the pacing and easy flow of ideas. And the e-book is on sale for only 99 cents right now!
Very valuable tools to put in my toolbox. Thanks!!
Wow, what a difference between the before and after. I’ll have to take a peek at my own writing and see where I can tighten things up. Great post!
Good work, Aimee! But here’s a little tip about the punctuation at the end of dialogue: “…permission,” he said. (Note no capital on said, either.)
By the way, punctuation for dialogue, plus other dialogue tips and no-nos, make up 3 chapters of my e-book, Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power. 🙂
Great post, I really needed help with this!
1. “Don’t touch anything in this room unless I give you permission” He said.
2. Donna examined the front of the imposing house.
So good to see you at Seekerville!
Great post!
Great examples at how to get rid of the clunky!
And I gifted you your copy of my Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power e-book from Amazon, Benjamin! I hope you enjoy it!
Just sent off an email. Thanks a ton!
Thanks for your suggestions, Miranda! And thanks for your kind words, Tracy and Jenni! 🙂
Great post and exercise, Jodie! I have been following your blog and am reading a couple of your e-books. I’m a big fan. Thanks for all the tips. 🙂
Thank you, Jodie for your kind words. I only wished I participated sooner.
Hi guys! Can’t wait to try this! Here they are:
1. “Unless I tell you to, don’t touch anything.” He said.
2. Donna glanced up at the house and examined its ornate facade.
3. Derek looked at her, a frown creasing his brows.
You’re welcome, Rachna. I hope you enjoy it!
Thanks Jodie for the prize. I look forward to reading your book.
Good stuff, Tracy! Love your solutions! 🙂
Here are my stabs. I didn’t read the others first.
Original
1. “You must never touch anything in this room if I don’t tell you to or if I haven’t given permission,” he said.
My stab
1. “Unless I give you permission, don’t touch anything in this room,” he said.
Original
2. Donna glanced up at the imposing house and examined the ornate façade of the residence.
My stab
2. Donna examined the imposing house.”
Original
4. Jack stared incredulously at the man. He felt bile rush into his throat as his unbridled hatred surged into his conscious mind.
My stab
4. Jack glared at the man. Bile rushed into Jack’s throat, hatred surging through his mind.
Fantastic exercise! 🙂
Thanks, Rosemary.
Excellent solutions, Savita! Such talented writers we have contributing here!
1. “Don’t touch anything in this room without my permission,” he said.
2. Donna examined the ornate facade of the imposing house.
3. Derek looked at her, questioning.
4. Jack stared at the man and felt a surge of unbridled hatred.
5. “So you killed Daniel too.” Linda spat aggressively. If she had a weapon, the man would be dead instantly.
Fantastic post, thanks Jodie!
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Thanks, Natalie! 🙂
Great tips Jodie. I really loved your examples. Congrats to the winners.
Congratulations to the following 3 winners of PDFs of my e-book, Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power:
Bish, TamiJean and Rachna. I was able to get your email addresses by clicking on your name here and have sent the PDF to you.
Benjamin Holewinski, if you email me at j.renner.editing@hotmail.com with your email address, I’ll gift you the e-book from Kindle.
Thanks, everyone, for your participation, and a huge thank-you to Angela and Becca for hosting me as a guest blogger today!
Nice ones, Golden Eagle!
We can all actually learn from each other’s solutions, too. 🙂
I just gave away 3 PDFs of my Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power e-book, and just came back to gift the Kindle version to Benjamin. If he doesn’t contact me to claim his prize, I’ll give it to you. 😉
4. Jake gaped at him, hot rage building in his stomach.
5. “Killed him, too?”
Linda straightened and tensed, fingers flexing around an invisible weapon.
So nice of you to say so, Una! I’m so glad you’re finding the book helpful! Perhaps you might even have a few minutes to write a brief review on Amazon at some point? That would be awesome if you could! 🙂
Jodie–not trying to influence you or anything in my behalf–lol, but I just bought a copy of your book Style That Sizzles, and it’s REALLY good and helpful! 😀
Thanks, Becca, Vero, and Shannon!
And great solutions, Benjamin! I’m getting so many good “afters” that I’m just going to have to put the names in a hat for the free e-book and PDFs of my Style book.
Great stuff, everybody! Any more takers?
1.
“Never touch anything in this room unless I give you permission.”
2.
Donna examined the ornate façade of the imposing house.
3. (No context makes this hard)
Derek looked at her and wondered… Why?
4.
Unbelievable! Jack couldn’t take his eyes off the man as bile and rage boiled from within.
5.
Her body trembled and blood raced. “So you killed Daniel too?” If she had a gun, Linda would’ve sent some company Daniel’s way.
Academic writing is death to a fiction writer. Thanks for the great examples
Oh, Jodie, I’d like to throw myself to the grown and just roll and writhe in the awesomesauce dripping from your words!
Ahem.
Absolutely awesome advice, and I couldn’t agree more. Love it! Thank you & Angela!
Love this, Jodie! This is one of the reasons I love the revision process. Through small changes like this, you can see huge improvement right away. Thanks for posting!
Yes, they are, aren’t they, Angela! My pleasure to be here!
You guys are doing a great job of slap-chopping the fat from these sentences! Keep it up! And a big thank you to Jodie for hanging out with us today!
Angela
Angela and Becca – thanks so much for the intro to Jodie! I enjoyed the post. 🙂 Heading over to Seekerville now.
Excellent suggestions, Rachna! 🙂
Hi Jodie..nice to meet you. I am going to enjoy doing this.
Here goes:
1. “Don’t touch anything in this room without my permission.”
2.“Donna studied the ornate façade of the house.”
3. “Derek stared at her, a questioning look on his face.”
4. “Jack stared incredulously at the man. Bile rushed into his throat as unbridled hatred filled his mind.”
5.“So you killed Daniel too,” Linda spat, aggression replaced fear. If she had a weapon she would have killed the man there itself.”
Thanks, Steph, Helen, John and Donna for stopping by and commenting. Yes, Donna, some English teachers may have drilled too-perfect sentence structure into our heads. Also, people who’ve done a lot of fairly formal writing for business or academia have some overly verbose habits to break, in order to learn how to write compelling fiction!
Great suggestions here. It’s amazing how wordy we can get and I blame high school teachers who gave us assignments with a specific word count.
This is really worth reading, it has too much details in it and yet it is so simple to understand, Thanks for sharing
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Great post Jodi. It’s amazing how much more you can say when you don’t directly say it. Tighten up!
Nice article, thanks for the information.
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I didn’t even notice that in the original, Tami! Of course I read the original original in context in the manuscript. *still grinning*
*grins* This was a lot of fun, even if the only one I TRULY followed the rules with was 4.
With 5, I just couldn’t shake my giggles at the “too” in the original. Had to play! ^_^
Thanks for your great suggestions, Bish!
TamiJean, you had me chuckling at your creativity, and laughing out loud at your last suggestion! LOL Linda didn’t kill Daniel, too! *Can’t stop laughing!*
I’m a rebel — following the original request and adding my own character/emotion flavors, because I can. This may invalidate my entries, but it’s more fun for me. *winks*
(original) 1. “You must never touch anything in this room if I don’t tell you to or if I haven’t given permission,” he said.
(trimmed) 1. “Don’t. Touch. Anything.” His eyes narrowed with each word.
(original) 2. Donna glanced up at the imposing house and examined the ornate façade of the residence.
(hacked) 2. Meek and woefully under-dressed, Donna stared up at the building, which loomed disapprovingly back down at her.
(original) 4. Jack stared incredulously at the man. He felt bile rush into his throat as his unbridled hatred surged into his conscious mind.
(tweaked) 4. Jack’s vision narrowed, murderous heat rising in his chest.
(original) 5. “So you killed Daniel too,” Linda spat, her emotions instantly changing from fearfulness to more aggressiveness. If she had a weapon, she would kill the man right then and there.
(me goofing off) 5. “We can’t both have killed Daniel!” Linda’s fingers curled into claws, the whites of her eyes bright against her dark skin. “His bounty is mine!” she said, voice shrill.
Great stuff. Fun exercise!
1. “Never touch anything in this room, “he said, “Unless I give you permission.”
2. Donna glanced up at the imposing house with it’s ornate façade.
5. “So you killed Daniel too,” Linda spat. If she had a weapon, she’d kill the man right then and there.
Great solutions, Una!
You’re so right, E.J. – and you expressed it so well!
Angela and Becca, thanks for hosting my blog post and giveaway here on your excellent blog! 🙂
Jodie
Loved your examples, Jodie! So many people think writers are naturally verbose, but it’s actually quite the opposite in fiction. The goal is always: What do you need to say, and how can you say it succinctly. And all of that is not to say you can’t be colorful in your writing, just be extremely picky about the words you use. 🙂
3. Derek looked at her questioningly.
1. ‘Unless I say otherwise, don’t touch anything in this room,” he said.
5. ‘So you killed Daniel too,’ Linda spat, her fear changing instantly to anger. If she had a weapon, she would kill the man!