Relationship Thesaurus Entry: Estranged Parent and Child

Successful stories are driven by authentic and interesting characters, so it’s important to craft them carefully. But characters don’t usually exist in a vacuum; throughout the course of your story, they’ll live, work, play, and fight with other cast members. Some of those relationships are positive and supportive, pushing the protagonist to positive growth and helping them achieve their goals. Other relationships do exactly the opposite—derailing your character’s confidence and self-worth—or they cause friction and conflict that leads to fallout and disruption. Many relationships hover somewhere in the middle. A balanced story will require a mix of these dynamics.

The purpose of this thesaurus is to encourage you to explore the kinds of relationships that might be good for your story and figure out what each might look like. Think about what a character needs (good and bad), and build a network of connections for him or her that will challenge them, showcase their innermost qualities, and bind readers to their relationship trials and triumphs.

Estranged Parent and Child

Description:
An estrangement between a parent and a child occurs when there is an absence of communication between them. Certain factors can contribute to this situation. What led to the breakdown in communication? Was there a long-term pattern of abuse, or a specific painful incident? Was the choice one-sided or mutual? Was the estranged parent or child coerced by someone else into ending the relationship? The separation of a parent and child is often a devastating scenario, creating emotional wounds and resulting dysfunctional behaviors that will influence dynamics in the character’s other relationships.

Relationship Dynamics
Below are a wide range of dynamics that may accompany this relationship. Use the ideas that suit your story and work best for your characters to bring about and/or resolve the necessary conflict. 

The characters avoiding gatherings where the other may be present
The characters attending family gatherings and events but pretending the other person isn’t there
One person reaching out, but the other party rebuffing any attempts to communicate
An estrangement defined by anger, rage, jealousy, or bitterness
A reluctant estrangement that occurred out of one party’s need to protect oneself or set healthy boundaries
Deleting messages without reading, listening, or responding to them
Asking other family members not to speak about the estranged party
Running the other party down to others in an attempt to get people on the character’s side
Publicly attacking the other party
Blaming the other person entirely, believing they are solely to blame for the estrangement
Refusing to listen to anyone suggesting reconciliation
Becoming paranoid about someone sharing information with the estranged party

Challenges That Could Threaten The Status Quo
The parent or child becoming ill
The death of a mutual loved one
Being approached about reconciliation by someone the character greatly respects
The parent or child experiencing a major life change, such as marriage or childbirth
Losing one’s financial stability and needing support
Needing to forgive as part of a faith-based culture, therapy program, or rehabilitative program
Another estranged sibling reconciling with the parent
One party deciding to seek forgiveness
Recognizing that the character shared in the blame for the estrangement, and needing to make amends
Seeing healthy, loving relationships and wanting that for oneself
Learning information that discredits the reasons for the estrangement

Wounds That Could Factor into The Relationship
A loved one’s suicide, A parent’s divorce, A parent’s abandonment or rejection, A sibling’s betrayal, A toxic relationship, Abandonment over an unexpected pregnancy, Battling a mental disorder, Becoming a caregiver at an early age, Becoming homeless for reasons out of one’s control, Being disappointed by a role model, Being disowned or shunned, Being forced to keep a dark secret, Being forced to leave one’s homeland, Being raised by a narcissist, Being raised by an addict, Being raised by neglectful parents, Being raised by overprotective parents, Being raised by parents who loved conditionally, Being sent away as a child, Being the product of a rape, Choosing to not be involved in a child’s life, Discovering a sibling’s abuse, Domestic abuse, Experiencing poverty, Experiencing the death of a parent as a child or youth, Finding out one was adopted, Giving a child up for adoption, Growing up in a cult, Growing up in foster care, Growing up with a sibling’s disability or chronic illness, Having a controlling or overly strict parent, Having an abortion, Having parents who favored one child over another, Incest, Infidelity, Learning that one’s parent had a second family, Learning that one’s parent was a monster, Living in an emotionally repressed household, Not being a priority growing up, Prejudice or discrimination, Social difficulties, Telling the truth but not being believed, The death of one’s child

Conflicting Desires that Can Impair the Relationship
One party seeking reconciliation before the other is ready
Both parties wanting to participate in family gatherings without the other present
One party forcing their belief system on the other party
One party wanting to reveal the truth while the other wants it to remain hidden
A parent wanting access to a grandchild
A child wanting access to the parent they are not estranged from
Both parties having different opinions about their emotional needs
One party wanting forgiveness before the other is ready to extend it
One party offering reconciliation with strings attached

Clashing Personality Trait Combinations
Discreet and Gossipy, Independent and Needy, Controlling and Rebellious, Judgmental and Oversensitive, Responsible and Uncooperative, Dishonest and Honorable, Trusting and Manipulative, Mature and Irresponsible, Nurturing and Withdrawn, Ambitious and Lazy

Negative Outcomes of Friction
Arguments or fights
Having limited access to other family members
Being left out of gatherings with loved ones
Self-blame for not handling the situation better, resulting in self-doubt
Feeling powerless (to control behavior, to influence the other person, etc.) 
Reluctance to trust in other relationships
Friction with other family members who have taken sides
One side trying to hurt the other
Growing resentment, frustration, or anger toward the other
Passing anger and hate to one’s children, creating generational dysfunction
Experiencing an emergency and not having a support system to offer help
Being too quick to end challenging relationships instead of trying to solve problems in a healthy manner

Fictional Scenarios That Could Turn These Characters into Allies
Discovering something in common that brings the two together
Both parties realizing that the reason for their estrangement was manufactured by others (they were manipulated)
One party divorcing the person who served as a wedge between the two
Teaming up to care for another family member
One party being acquitted of the accusations that led to the split
A major life event such as illness, death, or birth bringing the two parties together 
Showing a unified front when the family is targeted by others 
A goal that will benefit both parties, such as handling a family business or the estate of a loved one
Needing to keep an important secret
A financial difficulty that could be solved by repairing the relationship

Ways This Relationship May Lead to Positive Change
One of the parties recognizing the importance of family
An adult learning not to repeat a negative pattern of behavior
One of the two parties realizing they need to seek or extend forgiveness
An emotional need being filled in another, healthier relationship
The character recognizing signs of toxicity and being able to avoid it more easily in future relationships
The characters’ ability to forgive and take responsibility being the catalyst for reconciliation in other family spats

Themes and Symbols That Can Be Explored through This Relationship
A fall from grace, Alienation, A quest for knowledge, Betrayal, Coming of age, Crossroads, Danger, Death, Deception, Depression, Disorder, Endings, Family, Freedom, Greed, Health, Hope, Illness, Instability, Isolation, Journeys, Knowledge, Loss, Love, Mystery, Obstacles, Passage of time, Peace, Pride, Rebellion, Recognition, Religion, Suffering, Transformation, Unity, Violence, Vulnerability

Other Relationship Thesaurus entries can be found here.

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