When a character suffers emotional pain, the brain’s response is to stop the discomfort, and often this results in a coping mechanism being deployed. Whether it’s an automatic response or a learned go-to strategy, a mechanism helps them cope with the stress of the moment or escape the hurt of it.
But if the character develops an unhealthy reliance on that mechanism, problems will arise. Long-term, certain coping behaviors will impair their connections with others, their ability to achieve goals and dreams, and their resiliency in handling life’s pressures.
At some point, they must have an Aha! moment where they realize their coping method is holding them back and they need to seek other ways to deal with stress. Namely, they’ll have to adopt healthier mechanisms that enable them to manage difficulties and ultimately have a happier future.
To help you write your character’s growth (or regression) journey, we’ve created The Coping Mechanism Thesaurus, which contains a range of coping methods. The one we’re highlighting today can be damaging, and we hope this partial entry will help you show your character’s struggle in a way readers can relate to.
People Pleasing
Definition
Prioritizing the needs and desires of others over one’s own to avoid conflict, gain approval, and validate self-worth.
What It May Look Like
Being highly attuned to the wants and needs of others
Difficulty saying no
Apologizing frequently
Always agreeing with others
Waiting to hear what others say and think before speaking
Pursuing goals that will impress others (that the character doesn’t necessarily want)
Basic Human Needs It Could Compromise
Self-Actualization: Because people pleasers spend all their time fulfilling other people’s dreams and desires, their own usually are pushed to the side, leading to dissatisfaction.
Esteem and Recognition: No one can please everyone all the time. When the character’s value is based on their ability to make others happy, they’ll inevitably be disappointed in themselves.
Fallout (and Possible Turning Points)
A relationship turning toxic
Burning out or having a breakdown
Low self-esteem escalating to feelings of worthlessness or self-loathing
Crossing a moral boundary to please others and suffering dire consequences
Commitment to Change
Replacing negative coping mechanisms with positive ones is how your character turns the page, but it starts with internal work, new habits, and practices:
Thinking about what they want
Pursuing a hobby or area of interest
Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries
Recognizing that their thoughts and opinions are just as important as someone else’s
To help you brainstorm your character’s responses to stress, visit our master list of healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Need More Descriptive Help?
While this thesaurus is still being developed and expanded, the rest of our descriptive collection (18 unique thesauri and growing) is accessible through the One Stop for Writers THESAURUS database.
If you like, swing by and check out the video walkthrough for this site, then give our Free Trial a spin.
Becca Puglisi is an international speaker, writing coach, and bestselling author of The Emotion Thesaurus and its sequels. Her books are available in five languages, are sourced by US universities, and are used by novelists, screenwriters, editors, and psychologists around the world. She is passionate about learning and sharing her knowledge with others through her Writers Helping Writers blog and via One Stop For Writers—a powerhouse online library created to help writers elevate their storytelling.
Since humans are social animals by nature, people pleasing is virtually instinctive. So people-pleasing as a coping mechanism means excessive people-pleasing. It’s sort of a slippery slope. It could be fun to write a story that explores how someone turns into a people-pleaser, how unscrupulous people take advantage of that, but also how others might appreciate them and try to warn them away from the people who would exploit them.
Just reading these entries can give people ideas.